Robin Oblivious: I'm so Sexy I could die laughing.

Hi fine people! Do not expect a "christmasy post" or anything particularly clever...we now have another "Robin Oblivious" story from the past. Not quite on par with the waterbed fiasco...but nonetheless.

I've missed you guys and as soon as I kick this out I hope I have the time and the wakefulness to go and visit all and sundry! We've been busy recycling silage and/or freezing! I won't go into the weather, I'm sure you're facing the same in various degree's of "cold"...I am so not a winter person!

So: Here I am to embarrass myself for your enjoyment, again....

Picture it, Round Rock, TX, circa 1998. I am an employee at "the club" (mentioned in previous posts, the real name is withheld to protect the innocent!). My girlfriend, D, the amazing Amazon of a beauty who taught me how to bar tend and tried her best to teach me how to dress...was going through a divorce from her husband of 11 years. That's not and easy thing to do, and the soon to be ex was having a bit of an issue over losing his "barbie doll" wife. (He loved to dress her up and parade her around; it's when she developed a mind of her own that he began to freak out. anyhoo...)

So, I was the "daytime" bartender and we had another "floater" bartender and some "weekend" bartenders and we made a plan that D would never close the bar by herself. The bar closed at midnight but by the time you restocked, cleaned up, emptied the trashes....it would be close to 2:00 a.m. and darn dark in that parking lot. As a group, we all watched Lifetime: Television for Women. Whether we admitted it or not.

So: D doesn't close alone. D is 6'0 of prime time Fantasy material, and a helluva a nice girl who really didn't know it (her husband dressed her, she tried to dress me...getting the picture?). She was, sexy as hell in a Xena: Princess of Power kind of thing. A lot of her clothes couldn't be dry cleaned...they needed to be armor-alled.

Anyway, my turn to help D close. I'm sitting at home in relax mode, which isn't pretty, and not one iota "sexy" and at 11:00 I throw on my "baja", a baseball cap and head to the club. D gives me a drink when I come in and I sit down and peruse the bar. She's got two "gentlemen" who obviously are into there cups and developing "issues" with one another...she gives me the "look".

"You take one and I'll take the other..." is what the look said. Crap. So I take one aside, and try to appear patient as I listen to his rambling monologue and the injustice done to him by this other guy he met 3 hours ago. I'd only had half of my drink...but I was wishing for another already. I managed to gently get his keys and told him the cab would be free and eased him back to the bar.

Apparently, these two had met up at another bar earlier and had walked into ours about an hour before. D had given them one beer, seen the direction the train was heading and cut them off at the pass...and no they weren't happy, but still somewhat docile...and I had the only set of keys between them.

So, I went back to the office and called the Taxi service we always use in a case like this, "Ace Taxi". And D proceeded to go do the preliminary clean up, ya know, wash glasses, brush the pool tables, lock the vending machines, put away pool cues....normal stuff.

I had Moe and Larry separated but was keeping an eye on them as we waited for the taxi and I got involved with a group of two couples who were arguing over tornado's. I'm from the Panhandle, I know tornado's, right! We were having a lively, spirited discussion (Robin in comedy form, on stage, baseball cap and baja...) when a shadow fell across the room when the entryway light was obscured from the massive, black force that had entered.

I turned, and there he stood. He looked like a cross between a Mexican bandolito and a Sumo Wrestler who'd been overdosed with growth hormones in infancy. He was huge. He was scary. I was the closest bar employee and after swallowing, twice, I asked, "Can I help you, uh, sir?" The whistling theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, was damn near audible from the speakers in my head, I swear it.

He turned his beady, too black eyes on me and in a heavily accented voice said, "Hey Stexy." Relief poured over me like waves, he wasn't carrying a weapon other than his ham sized fists as far as I could see, and he had he called me sexy...I preened and felt pretty darn good that he thought I was sexy when I was au naturale! All I had to do was tell him we'd already had last call and he would turn and go, looking back in longing, I was sure.

But no, then he said, "I'm here to peek up som'mony." Ahhhh, I get it now! No weapons', looking for 'stexy"....obviously he was with one of the vending machine companies and the "stexy" girl he was looking for was D so he could get his vendmachine money. I felt a little ridiculous at that point!

I mean, c'mon, baseball cap, baja, minimal makeup...and this guy walks and say's "hey stexy" and I make it all about me? I had to laugh, so I yelled, "Hey Sexy! D, there's a guy up here that needs to pick up sum'money!"

Before D makes it to us one of the guys I was visiting jumps up and says "You're not sexy, I'M sexy" and flexes his muscles and laughs. I say, "OH NO! You heard the guy, "I'M sexy" and pull my ballcap lower and flutter my lashes. We all laugh.
D walks around the corner and I'm noticing that sumo wrestler guy is looking at me like I've lost my mind. D says "Can I help you?" The sumo guy can't look away from me as he very succinctly says in his thick accent:

"Jes, I am with Ace Taxi...I am here to peek up some'body."

What an ego I have huh? When, dolled up in a baja, baseball cap and all of that I can interpret "Ace Taxie" for "Hey Sexy"? I collapsed in laughter as soon as I caught on....sumo guy left mumbling about "crazy white girls".

For my birthday party that year there was a rather large embarrassing banner that reader, "ACE TAXI! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Oh, we laughed about that for a long time...still do. "Ace Taxi" became an inside joke amongst us all for sexy people...or wannabe's like me!