For the last two days "logic" has not been a working word in any conversation I've had (typical with a teenager?). So I started wondering about logic in general and was reminded of an inane argument I had gotten into with an older drunk gentleman back in the days when I had all the answers. He told me to be careful of the "holes" underneath the area we were in which were of course, entirely in his imagination...but he informed me he would walk around looking "down" to find me. Not long after that conversation he told me he'd love to go to the moon so he could "look down on everyone else".
This violated every principal of science I knew (up to that point) since "down" was completely dependent upon gravity. We all know the moon has very little gravity...but doesn't it stand to reason if you were "standing" on the moon you would be looking "up" at earth....same as when you're on earth you're looking "up" at the moon? He took another drink and chuckled and said, "Dis white girl think too much...she don't know down from up...so smart, white girl...if you don't make it home by mornin' cuz you done fell "in" a hole...did you fall "up" or "down" that hole? Just want to know where to look for you." I couldn't answer and then he imparted this wisdom. "Suppose I make a ladder that reach the moon and I climb it to the top...am I looking up or down to you?" By that point even my smart ass mouth couldn't answer...about then even I took up drinkin'!
So, STD...new euphamism for Sudden Teenage Departure. ONE week! Yesterday CJ informs me "it's too hard, he doesn't like the people here, and moving here was good in theory but he wants to go to high school 'at home'". Could have knocked me over with a feather...it was going much better than even I had anticipated. For one thing, he was rarely home in the evenings because these kids have gone out of their way to include him in everything. I have been getting up at 5:45 to cook his special ordered eggs and drive the 6 miles to town to take him to practice (he insisted he wanted to play football...I told him to quit if he wanted and he actually admitted he wanted to play, he just didn't want to practice!) Bottom line, his Dad and I and many in this town (out of respect for his dad and I) have bent over backwards to make this work because he insisted moving here was his most fervent desire...ever. (remember the 921 mile round trip I made in our busy season in less than 19 hours? hello?)
Anyway, I asked him to tell me why he was so determined to move here and he said "this house." Excuse me? What does THAT mean? This house was built in the 40's and a lot of our blood sweat and tears have been poured into it so it's kinda cool, nothing that would be in House Beautiful though! In fact, one of my pajama tops is still a "drape" on the kitchen window. We love and it's nice and getting nicer (always a work in progress though) but I still didn't get it. Then it segued into a "perfect world would be to be with us in this house if this house was in his hometown." Okay, kinda getting that. And then I asked, "What about the constant bickering with your Grandma and Mom and the fact that you see your Mom every 2-3 days?" (Mom lives in her parents house on their property...CJ still lives in the gp's house). And he said, "Oh, that's better now." Since when? The ONE week that you've lived here? Did I just fall down or up? What gets me is his Dad and I rearranged our life and schedule completely committed to giving him a great HS experience, with some direction as well. Crazy. I tried to put myself in a 15 year old mind set but I can honestly say...even if I was 15 I still didn't have much of a clue...I'm missing something here! Logic is subjective I suppose....but his gravity is tangential.
We can't fight it, or won't. My only "belligerence" was saying, "C, you made a decision that affected and obligated a bunch of people who have all bent over backwards to make this happen. You need to take that into consideration, you're a young man now so next time you make a huge decision you need to committ to it and deal with the consequences and stick with it. Not always take the easy way out because "it's too hard" or not what you expected/wanted. That's not life." And I will admit some of my ugly here....I told him after he discussed it with me while his Dad was working, "Okay, we're cool but you need to discuss it with your Dad when he gets home...I can't be the go between, you've go to learn how to communicate with him!" Dad gets home, we eat supper and CJ goes to the computer. I sit down in the living room with SE and watch the olympics and I get a text on my cell that's in the kitchen. I get up and it's CJ saying "Come Here"....he's less than 15 yards from me. So I come and say "What C?" and he says, "did you talk to Dad?" and I reiterate that it's not my place. So he comes to the living room, watches TV and STILL doesn't man up and speak his mind...tension at this point is pissing me off. So this morning I get him up at 6:00, I pulled a pissy and put cereal on the counter...fuck the eggs! As usual, he doesn't want to get up but I make him. On the way to practice he tells me "he's made his decision to move home"....I said "Ok, it's too wet to chop so you're dad is off today, discuss it with him." He's quiet and says "why do I have to go to football then?" At which point I slowed down and said, "I can turn the car around and you can wake your exhausted Dad up at 6:15 and explain it to him." Dad is NOT a morning person! He wisely said nothing...and I thought to myself, who knows? He could change his mind again in 3 hours!
I told SE this morning what was up. He was as confused as I but we agreed, no use fighting it. Picked CJ up at noon, brought him home and said, "You gonna talk to your DAd?" He thought he might after he ate. Dad was in the house, CJ ate and immediately came back here to get on the computer and I said "Oh, hell no....go talk to him now...I'm not tip toe'ing around this all day." So he did, try, but he couldn't speak or articulate anything....he couldn't flat out say he wanted to move home. His Dad has never beat him, berated him or done anything but try to be there for him so I couldn't understand his reluctance and hated that he kept looking at me to fill in the blanks for him...here's where ugly snuck in, I said "CJ, if you'll look between your legs you'll see some nuts so I suggest your grab them. Man up. And spit it out." I came back where they were talking 25 minutes later and he still hadn't told his Dad that "yes, he wanted to go home"....he just answered his Dad's questions in two words, 3 syllables, like "I dunno" while staring at the bottom of his shoes.
It wasn't awful or ugly, though I regret my comment...I almost said "Well lookie here! I found MY nuts and guess what Dad, he made his decision about 6:00 this morning so you're wasting your time...he's too chicken to say it though!" But I didn't...I said it nicer than that! Being a step mom is an awful thing at times. I love and have an open relationship with CJ, and he has an awesome Dad but always felt I was on a tightrope as far as confidences...ya know?
Anyway, I am pretty insightful with people...I thought teens qualified but his reasoning makes no sense to me. Down is up and Up is Down and now that he's fallen in a hole I don't know which way to look for him. I want to tell him that there are a million tiny suns with a million tiny planets revolving around them and they are all revolving around the center of the universe...and guess what CJ, it's not you. I know he's at the age where he won't buy that and it's a natural right of passage. It's just this latest thang that's got my knickers in a twist. When I think of how hard we worked to make it happen because it was what HE wanted and less than a week later, with no arguments/struggles or anything...all the sudden he doesn't. My theory, he doesn't like strenous football practice and he thinks it's Texas...dont' have the heart to tell him it's High School and it won't be any different in Kansas. Mom's theory is that he's always lived in town and came and went as he pleased and he missed that freedom. Might be something to that although he hasn't been told no since he got here. He got adopted by the popular, good kids and they've had something going on every day and went out of their way to include him. If he was home, he was sleeping. Any ideas y'all? It's a moot point now, but I can't help feeling like I'm missing something!
Okay, over my Kathy Lee Gifford thing and don't have to change my sidebar after all! Next week I'll be funny I promise (hope!) Thanks for listening! I needed to vent!
And Arby, are you sure I still have it backwards? I still think it's a soap opera life in a sitcom world but you're right....it could be the other way around!
HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME
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Dear Robin,
That's hard. You may not like what I'm going to write - will we still be friends? I hear a lot of anger and rejection in your post, comments about what you and your husband did for CJ. He's a teen, but not yet a man, and one that I sense is afraid to express his feelings because no matter where he is, mom's or dad's, someone is mad if he tries to express how he is feeling. I have a 15 yo, and despite the fact that they look and sometimes can act like an adult, they still harbor a little kid inside sometimes. Any chance he's homesick? Ever read about kids that miss and still love abusing parents (not that I'm saying she is - but that even if they argue...) And no, they don't think logically. As a society, we don't keep their muscles and responsibilty working. And 15 yo's research shows, haven't finished developing the frontal lobes which controls logic. They are reckless and well, one preacher I heard put it succinctly. Teens think they have three i's - impregnable, indestructible, and immortal. I would add - illogical.
Hang in there. I can also hear love for this boy in your post, and disappointment. Maybe, instead of eggs, he needs you to listen.
PS why does he get to choose? I know that they take an older child's opinion into account in custody cases, but ultimately, adults do decide. Kids need boundaries. and- you are doing great telling him to talk to his dad, you must be a great step-mom.
Life is too fun, and too short, not to keep humor in sharp focus, no matter how deeply you're standing in bullshit. So, yes, I'll stick by my original comment. And if you knew anything at all about my family, you'd know that, that is saying a lot! Your comment to your step-son, "CJ, if you'll look between your legs you'll see some nuts so I suggest your grab them. Man up. And spit it out," was dead-on accurate, brutal, and very funny. A brief survey of the Man Club returned the observation, "Well worded, Nicely said." This kid is going through change. Change is never easy. He's 15, hormonal, home sick, and shocked by the intensity of the demands of football practice. What he needs is time, and if I were in your shoes, I would not allow him to return to Kansas. That is unsolicited advice, so feel free to tell me to go (fill in the blank with your favorite epithet) myself if you want. If he runs back to Kansas he's till running away from his problems. He'll keep running until he realizes that they're in his back pocket, and they will remain there until he takes them out and examines them. Your time and money and effort, and that of your SE, are valuable, and sending him back is allowing him to act in a most ungrateful manner. I can't help but think if he allows himself to play in a couple of games, he might change his mind about the entire practice thing. I suspect that he thought football glory preceeded practice, and not the other way around. I loved the cereal maneuver, too.
Appreciate all comments...I was a bit pissy last night!
Juno, agree with you 100% and I've always had an open relationship with CJ, maybe that's why I'm dissappointed and confused.
Arby and Juno, can't MAKE him stay and thought asking him to stick it out for at least 6 weeks, but he'd probably sagotage the whole thing, he gets something in his head and that's that. SE and his Mom have joint so we could force the issue and then you have attorneys and all that mess.
Most "in the know" boil it down to the fact that in Kansas he is raising himself with no supervision...here he has structure and discipline (sort of...he's gotten to do everything he wants!...with a curfew though) and he doesn't want it.
The friends he has made here have cooked up an ambush for this afternoon...they are good kids and I'm gonna let them. At least CJ will know he was liked and wanted by more than just us.
Bad idea?
You're better off in life never to argue with drunks, teenagers, or in-laws.
Robin - I'm Lessard's Lamentations wife and I started reading your blog after a couple of your comments on his. We have 4 children and 2 oldest are boys, age 21 & 14. I agree with a lot of what everyone has said...especially about the fact of raising himself in Kansas and that not being the case in Texas. Why would he want that after being able to pretty much do what he wants? But something to remember, he IS still a child and only 15. That is not an adult yet. Scott reminds me all the time that as a parent we should be doing things in our kids best interest and not our own. What would be easier, might not necessarily be what's in his best interest. My oldest son went through this when he was about the same age and I made him make a commitment for a certain time period (I think 2 months) before he could change his mind. He stuck it out, wasn't happy, but he didn't do it again. There are no set rules for parenting, but when you follow your gut and do what is in the child's interest and not your own, your probably doing ok!
Also, you sound like your a great step-mom and sounds like you have a good relationship with CJ. Wish I could say the same for my kids stepmom (she's a little logo, but probably says the same about me). And the ugly comes out in all of us. I too once told my 14 yr. old to reach between his legs and grap hold of his balls and speak up!!! He thought it was rather funny!
Hang in there...it gets easier.
your a better step mom than I would have been...I would have said:"Tough Shit"...you have to stick it out till schools out..sigh*...but then I'm a meanie
I go out of town for a week and everything goes to hell.
Robin - I feel for you, I really do. Being a step parent is HARD, I have three step children, so I know.
I do think you are wrong about one thing...you CAN MAKE a 15 year old do what they don't want to do. As long as they are minors, they must listen. They may not like it, nor do it, but at the end of the day, you, CJ's parents, and the other adults in his life have a say.
You are right about one thing...he needs to have the conversation with dad. And, although I'd make him suffer through till Christmas, he needs to make all of the arrangements to get back to Kansas. He seems to need to learn that for every decision/action, there are repurcussions. Kids hate that, but rather learn it in a safe environment (like your home) than on the street.
Good luck - I'll be praying for you - one step to another.
Girl, ship his bum back to Kansas then drive on up here to Iowa. I've got TWO teens you can choose from. One stands over six foot and the other is inching that way. They eat a LOT and they have attitudes that will make CJ look like little Orphan Annie.
Seriously though: He's is only 15 and while he's old enough to "understand" the logical side isn't going to develop until he's, ohhhhh, 30 or so. (Really, it won't.)
Trying to reason with a teenager is like trying to reason with a brick wall.
Patience dear, patience. And make his ass stick it out until the end of the school year. He's homesick -that's all. He'll get over it.
Other than being one in the past, I have no other experience with teenagers.
All I have to offer is prayer.
And wine.
So how's it going Robin? Having let a 21 yr old(that acted 15) move in with us (and subsequently invited him to leave) not too long ago, I feel your pain and wonder how you are doing.
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