Junosmom: of course we're still friends! Very insightful and I thank you so much for your support.
Arby: a big thank you for your insight as well (who could know better than you you man/daddy/brave lad?!) I especially want to say thanks for not yelling at me over the "nut" comment and berating me for the juvenile cereal incident!
Scott and Angie: Especially, thank you. You guys sound like super parents and a super couple and I applaud you, thanks for reaching out to me while I was flailing and babbling incoherently! (Usually Travis's job!)
Travis: Excellent advice, too bad I suck at taking excellent advice! I'll work on that!
PretZel: As usual you gave me a badly needed giggle and I appreciate the offer but I think I'll pass! I'm exhausted!
YellowDogGranny: Have I told you lately that you're my hero!? Swear to the Goddess, I wanna be you when I grow up!
Packsaddle: Thanks for the prayers, badly needed. Now where in the hell is my wine?
OK, wanted to "publicly" acknowledge you guys and you all voiced my own opinion, not to let CJ get off so easily but herein lies the rub. I am a STEP parent so my vote can't even be a tiebreaker. An extremely difficult position rife with pitfalls. Especially since "Mom and Dad" do NOT get along and I am usually the only one that communicates with both. Exhausting. There are ex-spouses, but there should never be ex-parents. SE was shocked that I wanted to get to know CJ's mom and my opinion was, "Why wouldn't I? She's your child's' mother and will be a part of our life forever! Why wouldn't I want to get along with her, get to know her...and God Forbid, be her friend!" Which is what happened. What was I thinking? I like CJ's mom, I do...I don't always like her decisions or understand them or even (gulp) respect them. But there you have it. She probably feels the same about me. But in the interest of CJ, I thought that was the best way to go about it. He used to love to brag that his Mom and Stepmom were friends, sure as hell made him different. But I digress from my topic here. But again, thank you all.
Bear with me.
Prejudice: 2: unreasonable attitude for or against something. (Webster 2002).
Ignorant: 1: lacking knowledge. 2: showing a lack of knowledge or intelligence. (same dictionary, it's by my computer...lifeline.)
Criticism is prejudice made plausible, H.L. Menken
Wit is educated insolence. ~ Aristotle (384-322 b.c.) Just threw this one in because I like it, no relevance!
CJ left this morning. Still having given a satisfactory answer as to why. I walked into the garage and saw his Dad with his hands thrown up in supplication and heard him say, "CJ, I don't understand why. You didn't even give us a chance! I think Robin and I deserve some sort of explanation." CJ did the shoulder shrug and shoe scuffle, degree of difficulty, -.065. (Just got back to this and it's 2 days later...got some perspective...okay, no, some distance!)
Anyway, C is gone and for those of you (the group that includes me) that thought we should make him stay...I'm with ya. Unfortunately, his timing left a bit to be desired...it was a trial basis with no custody options exercised (hindsight is 20/20).
His reason to us was it's too hard. I heard from the Kansas family is that CJ doesn't like mexicans. That truly ticked me off. I don't tolerate prejudice. Now, let's look at that sentence shall we? Isn't prejudice lack of tolerance? I was so angry about it and in that way was prejudiced against CJ for being prejudiced. I judged him for being so judgemental.
Had to take a step back (my attempt at observer POV!) and realize two things: 1.) CJ isn't even sure of the reason, self exploration is not a common past time for 15 year old boys, and 2) Though I hope to encourage him to be more tolerant of other cultures/religions/politics, whatever and I think exposure to the mexican culture of which our community abounds...would have been a good thing for him. But I must be more tolerant of his current narrow-minded approach. Not by allowing him to make derogatory comments about people unlike himself but by calmly stating my position on the subject and gently educating him out of his current mind set. I know, sounds too easy! But what else is evil step mom to do?
If you guys knew how angry I was to hear that was his reason (of course he couldn't express it to me...he knows how I would've taken that and sad, to say, not well!) well, you'd have been shocked. I was bent! If that little shit head is going to tuck tail and run home in a week because he's afraid of anything different from himself he has a hard row to hoe! White-bred midwestern boy in his little cocoon of white supremacy and ethnocentrism and thinks that kansas is the world,he can jus grow up ignorant and live in that white bred town is whole life and spit tobacco and sound illiterate describing how the tornado sounded and tell you the winner of the last 12 tractor pulls, in order....Now who sounds narrow minded and judgemental. The pissed off stepmom that'swho! Sounds illiterate too, stream of conciousness thang~!
My way is not the right way. There is no such thing as a bad decision in the long run. We all are where we need to be when we need to be there. It's how we grow and learn. I don't have all the answers, just a ton of really good questions! But thanks for being there for me and now we can go back to our regularly scheduled programming.....
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4 comments:
holy shit!...I see a lot of prejudice's here in West...but it's changing for the better all the time..the younger kids are the ones teaching the elders..which is pretty cool...im sorry, he thinks the way he does..he'll either get over it or he's in for a lot of problems..
You know Robin, I think CJ was not comfortable in his surroundings. Change is not easy for a *lot* of people but I think it's even harder for kids in their teens.
CJ is probably used to living in a "white" neighborhood and with society bitching and moaning about "them illegals taking all the good damn jobs" and the gubmint "cracking down" on illegals it's no wonder kids are prejudice. When the media and the government sanction prejudice then what else are kids to think?
I've always said that we should lead by example and the best example you can give him is understanding. And exposure. Surely he'll come visit and if he does pretend you didn't even hear that remark and educate him one step at a time.
Teen used to spout racist shit in my house until I told him one day: Look you little shit - just because your skin is white doesn't make you the one with all the might. Until you educate yourself on other ethnicities I will not tolerate that in my home. Ever.
It took a long time to break him of that but I finally did. Patience is a virtue we all need to budget. :D
I'm reading it, Robin, and still don't know what to make of it. Why? I guess I don't understand people that think things like that.
Hi Robin,
I'm catching up on some reading, and wanted to reach out to you.
1) Kids, especially teens, are like water running down a mountain. They will take the path of least resistance. Your home, with structure and accountability (the way parents SHOULD be, but often aren't because parents often also take the path of least resistance) was too hard for him compared to his other options. This much is clear.
2) You should be commended for being the step parent that you are. As a fellow step, it is often easier (like that damn water again) to detach, you didn't and I applaud your caring and your efforts.
Don't beat yourself up any longer. Kids make stupid decisions. Our only hope can be that they eventually learn from them.
SL
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