Frightning Adventures with K...the great "bank robbery"

Well, in honor of K's recent induction into the "40-60" box I decided to post another one of our adventures. She told me I should save this one, but I just can't! WARNING: It's not as funny as the waterbed draining fiasco, but then, what could be?! It's somewhat amusing though.



Picture it: Austin, TX, 2002 (we shall all miss Estelle Getty , n'cest pas?) Two girlfriends, sans makeup, are making a mid morning trip to the the bank to make payroll on a Friday....



I, the trained observer, and my best friend K, the redhead, mother of two, a very specialized form of trained observer, get out of our pickup at the pedestrian bank in a strip mall in south Austin. It was summer, hot and humid with it and I suppose we were a little bitchy. We were griping about something. That's the only explanation I have for missing the 6" foot tall guy wearing a ski mask and brandishing a gun that walked into the bank right behind us! Trained observer my ass...missed the soaker hose completely did I not?



He was literally right behind us. Ski mask, august, Austin...hmmm. K was behind me so the crazed gunman was right behind her. He slammed the glass door behind him, started waving the gun "gangsta" style...you know, upside down and sideways? Idiot. Anyway, he did have the weapon and I didn't feel it prudent to instruct him on the proper way to hold it, or accuse him of watching too many episodes of Cops, which, if you're on the show, you should realize it's instruction on how NOT to do things....I also didn't call him an idiot. Out loud.



He began his spiel, you know, "Everybody down...get the f@&#* down, Everyone on the floor!" Once again, he did have the gun so we all complied, I turned my back to him to watch the front door. Why? If he was going to shoot me I didn't want to know, plus I wanted to mark him on the door to get a better height estimate on this guy...you know how a lot of banks have that "yardstick" thing next to the door for just this reason? Well, this one didn't but that was my plan!



As we sunk to the floor K was going "OhmiGod, OhmiGod..." and I said, "SHHHH!" She said "OhmiGod, you haven't shushed me since second grade!" I hissed back, "I also haven't shoved a green bean up your nose since second grade either but keep it up!" She shushed and I concentrated on listening for an accent and getting an accurate description of the big bad robber. NOTE: I am unusually calm in crisis, it's afterwards at some "B" movie I break down! Plus, I needed to save face for having missed him on the "outside"!



There were, perhaps 17 people in the bank, all of us on the floor as the profanity shouting dude with the ski mask earned his living. Seemed like forever but he was probably in and out in just over a minute. I watched him leave and immediately marked on the door (mentally) his height. It reached the lower branch of the tree in the painting by the door.



The bank employees were excellent. Immediately sealed off the bank and handed out questionnaires while memory was fresh, and I suppose a focus point to keep down the panic while they waited for FBI and local response. One little old lady left in an ambulance with "acute angina" and another little old lady next to me said, "Harumph, good thing because her tits' weren't worth a damn." I almost died! Trying to hold in that much laughter seemed more dangerous than the gangsta wannabe that had just fled.



We filled out the questionnaires, K was still kind of in a stupor but had ceased muttering ohmigods. We weren't supposed to compare notes, you know how the eyewitness thing goes, but I glanced over and noticed she had put "black" as the race of the culprit. I hissed at her, "he was a white dude!" She said, "He was?" I assured her he was and so she put unknown, so much for trust!



Well, being such an expert witness and "trained observer" they pulled me and K (by association) the little old lady, one guy in for further questioning and let all of the other victims' go (K was proud...NOT! She wanted to get payroll and go home!) I told the Feebie my description, "white male, I'd say mid to late twenties, approximately 5'11, faded blue jeans, an earth tone patterned button down shirt, and dark blue ski mask, the weapon was a .45 semi..." at this point the only guy in the room interrupted and said "No, it was a Glock .9mm". I calmly said, "No, it was a .45, looked like a colt..." He actually said, "I'm a guy...I know guns..." before I could reply Mr. Feebie got me back on track and said, "Miss Houlette, continue..." so I did, "He's in excellent physical shape...." to which I was interrupted again by the little old lady who said, "He did have a nice backside." I looked at her and said, "I know! He had a great ass didn't he?" She nodded affirmitavely while K, in mortification, distanced herself as far away from me as she could get like I don't know this woman. The fed actually laughed before he could stop himself and said, "I must admit, that's the first time I've ever heard a bank robber described as having a nice ass." We made a fed laugh! SCORE!



We then had to go downtown to the police station for a "formal" statement. I had no makeup on and I love guys in uniforms so I borrowed K's while in transit. She's a redhead, I'm a brunette, wasn't pretty, not snagging me a hot fed today apparently! We got there and were ushered in to a room where I know guns guy was also stationed. Was in the process of filling out the statement when another cop walked in and said, "We caught the guy." I was bursting at the seams at my excellent observation skills for nabbing this guy so quickly and looked at K like, check me out! I'm a crime solver extraordinaire! The cop continued, "Yep, caught him the old fashioned way, someone ratted him out." Ah well, it could've been me right? In a parallel universe, it could've been my amazing skill.



I had to ask how accurate my description was. I was dead on except the ski mask was dark green (so sue me) and the kid was 23. And with a sideways glance at gun boy he told me, "The weapon was a .45. Colt." So there! Ha! Take that!



We got out of there, me in horrendous makeup and no date, K hours behind on payroll and not entirely happy with me for opening my mouth and trying to be a big shot....on the way home she said, "I still can't believe you shushed me." I wisely, didn't reply. We stopped at a stop light behind 6 other cars on HWY 71 and this punk kid comes barreling across the highway, weaving between vehicles, he slapped the hood of our truck in his flight and I screamed, loudly (delayed reaction?)



K looked at me and said, "Shush!"



So I did.